Plenty of e-fish in the online sea

Successes and frustrations in the universe of Internet dating

By James McDonald

In the last two decades, the Internet has revolutionized the daily lives of millions of people.

The introduction of e-mail, social networking, and access to unlimited information has allowed savvy Internet users to tap into a world of possibilities.

However, as the web has become a necessity in the lives of many, there is, as Valleywag – a news and gossip blog – so eloquently expresses, “a cornucopia of uselessness” out there in cyberspace: Talking smileys, the notable Numa Numa guy, and much of the nonsense on Facebook, to cite only a few examples.

With people spending so much time online, these flashy widgets and applications have changed the ways that they socialize, interact, and even date.

E-Accounts of web dating

Godiva, the screen name of a female instructor in the Faculty of Business at Memorial, continuously found it difficult to meet men and turned to dating sites as an alternative.

“A lot of my friends have had great successes with dating sites,” Godiva said. “They meet someone compatible, with common interests, much better than a downtown interaction based on physical appearances in a drunken haze.”

Godiva is not unlike the rest of us. The idea of searching for a potential mate, ‘the one,’ while dancing to a beer-infused remix of the Pussycat Dolls is probably not one that appeals to most.

So, to try a new approach, Godiva joined a dating site to see just how many fish there actually were in the murky waters of the Internet. After six weeks she got her first nibble, though not quite the kind she’d anticipated.

“First, I met this guy whom I dated until I found out there was another woman in his life,” Godiva confessed, “and it was me. It turns out he had had a girlfriend for six years.”

Unfortunately, it does seem that for those of us searching for a soulmate, we have to sift through a mass of people with other intentions.

Littleflower, a third-year English student, joined a few dating sites in the last year and has had similar results.

“I figure that online I could get to know a person before anything physical was part of the equation,” she said.

Flower quickly changed her point of view after chatting to a handful of people and going on several dates.

“As cynical as it is, I think the sites are very often used as places to find ‘intimate encounters.’”

Intimate encounters, a term popularized by plentyoffish.com, among other sites, refers to NSA (no strings attached) sex where casual and fleeting are accurate descriptions.

Sites like Plenty of Fish and Craigslist rely on a bare bones approach with no flashy graphics or colours; users are limited to basic fonts and photos.

The sites that use this minimalistic model maximize on being free, which may come at a price.

“Creeps,” Flower described. “The big downside is creeps. No matter how well you think you know a person online, in person they can turn out to be an utter jerk or horndog, or both…and lying is far easier over the Internet than it is in person.”

Recently Littleflower practically gave up on dating online.

“The face-to-face element is lost, so certain things can be assumed by either party that leads to awkwardness when it comes to meeting in person.”

Combined with her experiences with overactive e-libidos, Flower has decided to take a break from profile scanning for the time being.

Our determined e-heroine Godiva, however, grew even more determined to find someone. Dissatisfied with her lack of genuine encounters with men in person, and her reluctance to cross borders at work, she joined a second site. After two more weeks, she had a bite.

“[Out interactions] were very guarded at first, but very refreshing to have found someone that I related so well to.”

Godiva, like many women searching online, first had to assess whether or not the catch had potential.

“After determining he wasn’t a sexual deviant or psychopathic killer, we moved on to the next level: A phone call. Then a lunch date, a dinner date, and ultimately, after eight months, an engagement.”

So, Godiva managed to find herself the man she has longed for after less than a year online. Does that mean Littleflower’s self-proclaimed cynicism is unfounded? Does it merely take perseverance to catch a mate online?

A different perspective

Here’s a third opinion. ManNurse, a queer part-time student, has recently ventured into the world of online chatting.

“Well when I moved into the city…I wanted to make some new gay friends,” he said. “Some of my straight friends suggested that I use those dating sites to meet a few gay people like myself.”

As a gay male, ManNurse faces similar challenges as his attention shifts from friendships to relationships. He believes there are different challenges between being gay and straight when it comes to looking for love.

“With straight people, you have more of a selection to choose from. As for gay dating, there is not [as many options] to choose from.”

This is a sentiment shared by many of the guys browsing gay.com, plentyoffish.com, and similar sites primarily used by the gay community.

“In my opinion, there is only one major downside to Internet dating: You really don’t know if the person you are talking to is really that person. I could be chatting with this guy who’s 20, fit with blonde hair, blue eyes. For all I know, he could be a 55-year-old man who’s overweight,” ManNurse said.

Nurse raises a common concern among e-searchers. The idea that the fantasy man in the picture is not the man in real-life is a horror story repeated far too often.

Although he is cautious, ManNurse continues to use sites like gay.com with the hopes of dating and tries to look on the bright side.

“Some benefits of online dating are that some people in the gay community are shy,” said Nurse. “[Guys] would feel more relaxed saying certain things to people. They would feel better saying it to a computer screen rather than saying it face to face.”

This raises an interesting point. Are we as a society becoming too dependent on the Internet for social interaction? If it’s true that people are too shy to talk to someone in person, will the in-person awkwardness Littleflower mentioned ever go away?

There’s certainly something to be said for the in-person flirtations that have kept our species going for the last ten thousand years.

Though it may not be as comfortable and safe as the confines of a chat room with everyone’s hobbies and interests available at your fingertips, meeting up in person is always a fun activity.

Godiva, with her e-happy ending and a rock that would make any girl blush would obviously disagree, after finding what she considers to be the jackpot.

Although she has experienced many dead ends and dead fish on dating sites, she now praises the services as long as the user uses caution.

“The caliber of mates varies from one extreme to the other,” she advised. “You just should be very careful what you say, and look for small clues about truths and intentions.”

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