Real talk: penis size

Few things fuel the male ego more than the penis. This appendage, on paper designed for the fairly rudimentary tasks of excretion and procreation, has accrued a cult of obsession more so than any other body part in the history of body parts. (Yes, more than Peter Gallagher’s mythical eyebrows, believe it or not.)

It’s one of the oldest clichés in the book to ponder penis size. A torrent of axioms and placatory platitudes are instantly called to mind: “Size matters”; “It’s not the size of the brush, but the quality of the painter’s titanium-white paint” – you get the idea.

The truth is, though, the issue of size is less black and white and more shades of flesh tone. First, let’s get one thing straight: Males, take a long, hard (literally) look at your dick. Unless you’re 14 and nabbed this paper off a stand at the Aquarena, chances are your junk is as big as it’s gonna get. Period.

You know those ads you get in your e-mail? You know, they’re something like “WOW! New herbal formula discovered by Benedictine friars GUARANTEED to increase penis length by four inches AND make you piss single malt scotch!!!11!” If you’re giving serious thought to forking over cash in a desperate bid to embiggen your bulge, congratulations: You’re one pathetic, gullible fuck.

Oh yeah, and Lamont Fletcher from Nigeria is totally going to make good on his offer to split those millions of pounds worth of pilfered funds from the Côte D’Ivoirian treasury, too. It’s generally common sense that no hokum magical formula is going to do anything but drive you further into a four-inch funk.

Other enlargement methods that actually have some plausible junk science thrown behind them are equally dodgy. One of these, known as jelqing involves constricting the base of the penis and squoozing the semi-erect shaft in an attempt to expand the spongy corpus cavernosa, thence increasing the penis’s girth.

Risks associated with this practice include burst blood vessels, urethral bleeding or permanent erectile dysfunction. Also, it doesn’t really work.

Surgical options typically involve severing the ligament that keeps the internal part of your junk, you know, inside you where it belongs. The problem with this is that, in general, it only gives you an increase in flaccid length.

There are the usual surgical risks present — infection, slipped scalpel, etc. — but in this case you’ve elected to have a surgeon wield a sharp knife near your cock, so the amount of sympathy you’ll get is likely to be very low.

The long and the short of it is, whatever you’ve got in your pants, you’re pretty much stuck with, so get the fuck over it.

If you do have a small penis, the best advice I can give you is admit it to yourself, and be prepared to admit it to your sex partners. There’s nothing worse than having dick size be the pygmy elephant in the bedroom.

No matter what you might have heard — and Sue Johanson, bless her heart, is a big proponent of this —penis size does matter to some degree. Most people I spoke to indicated that penises need to surpass a certain girth and length standard in order to be worth a ride, and that’s a fairly unanimous opinion.

If your disco stick is more like a disco toothpick, it doesn’t automatically disqualify you from having good-quality sex. However, in order to maintain your partners’ interest, the best thing to do is master other aspects of sex: Fingering, oral sex, erotic massage — basically, all the non-penetrative elements that comprise a healthy and diverse sex life.

Focusing the majority of your efforts on getting good at all the peripheral aspects of sex means you’ll probably end up being better at it than someone with a normal- or large-sized cock who practices less and penetrates more, and that’s the key to satisfying a partner in the long term. Having a healthy, realistic attitude about your endowment is way sexier than being insecure and denying your shortcomings.

If you’re sitting there, smugly reading this and sanctimoniously patting your above-average bulge, stop and think: Do you think of your plus-sized penis as a sort of ticket past foreplay’s velvet rope? If so, you’re a bigger dick than what’s lurking in your pants. The biggest complaint I heard while researching this article is that guys with big penises think they’re exempt from any other aspect of sex than penetration. Fact is, it’s possible to be a shitty lover no matter what kind of a bone anatomy threw your way.

One last admonition before I go: If you were blessed with a beastly phallus, it’s totally lame to brag about it. Unless you’re willing to drop trow and prove it, chances are people will think you’re lying, exaggerating, or generally being a big dick.

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