Table for three

Preparing the perfect threesome

By Nathan Downey

Probably the most unifying fantasy across the sexual spectrum is the threesome. Umpteen million miles of film are devoted to the act in porndom, and it’s something of a badge of honour among the college set. Pop culture, as well, has seized the idea and repackaged it into glossy, well-lit contexts.

The addition of a third person, for whatever reason, is considered by many to be infinitely sexier than two people alone. The idea of adding a third person is, anyway.

Moving beyond the Penthouse Letters bravado, a threesome presents numerous logistical challenges. This isn’t going to be an anti-threesome treatise – adding a third person is sexy, and for monogamous couples, it’s a chance to see what colour the grass is on the other side of the sexual fence.

n order to pull off a successful one, however, a few caveats should be considered.

First, banish all thoughts of executing a completely spontaneous treble tryst. I don’t care what porn or Gossip Girl tells you; it’s almost entirely unattainable because there are too many variables at play when you add a third player.

Good threesomes come from planning and pre-meditation. I’m not saying every gyration, thrust, and moan need be plotted in advance; but setting up the circumstances well in advance is the key to a ménage à awesome.

A tidy bedroom, mood music maybe, some alcohol (don’t kid yourself; there’ll be ice to break), and hours of allotted time will all ensure that things go smoothly. More importantly, though, a mature attitude by each party is crucial – a mature attitude and a good sense of humour.

Which brings me to the next major point of consideration: Selecting the right third. Generally this advice will only apply if you’re in a couple and are looking for a third for a one-off. (If all of you are single, go nuts. Not like you’ve got to share a bathroom or pay bills with these people.) For couples, an ideal third will be someone you both consider attractive, someone you like, but someone who doesn’t move in your normal social circle.

This will ensure that post-coital awkwardness (you all know the feeling) doesn’t ruin a treasured friendship. Having a threesome with a close mutual friend is, in almost every case, a terrible idea (just ask those crazy kids on Entourage).

Inviting a stranger to fill the third position isn’t a bad course of action; just make sure they don’t look like a meth pipe or a late-stage syphilitic. And, you know, follow all the usual safe-sex practices. But you were going to do that anyway, right?

To avoid any post-threesome acrimony with your significant other, it’s important that both of you are totally comfortable bringing someone else into your sex life, however temporarily.

If your partner is doing it to indulge a long-standing fantasy of yours, it’s important to be in tune with their general sentiment about the whole thing. If their mood could be described by any of the following adjectives, abort the threesome: hesitant, begrudging, trepid, mariticidal/uxoricidal, or doormattish.

I’m not a big advocate of laying down ground rules for threesomes. Placing restrictions on the menu kills the flow and organic nature of the threesome.

If one partner insists on ground rules, chances are they aren’t entirely comfortable with the act. You’ll be running the risk of badly damaging your relationship if you pursue something your partner isn’t too sure about and, as I see it, if there are restrictions in place, why bother at all?

For heterosexual threesomes, the gender of the third is an important consideration. It’s a fairly safe assumption to make that a typical straight guy’s fantasy isn’t going to involve another dude. A straight woman’s fantasy, on the other hand, might involve just that. A certain amount of pragmatism needs to be exercised; it all goes along with the sense of humour/maturity factor we touched on earlier.

Really, I could probably write an entire book on threesome etiquette, logistics, and general ins and outs (snicker), but space won’t allow it. So just consider the preceding a rough guide to not fucking up any existing relationships by fumbling your threesome.

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