A short guide to the preservation of baby seals

This short document outlines the procedures and guidelines that one must follow when attempting to prevent the death of a baby seal in numerical order.

Failure to abide by these simple conventions will result in one’s spending eternity in the circle of hell reserved for seal haters. You have been warned.

1. Examine a seal’s level of cuteness and rate it on a scale of one to 10. If it’s seven or greater, proceed to become filled with the all-consuming empathy one feels for all small, adorable animals, and say, “Aw!”

2. Once you’ve become completely enamoured with the creature, captivated by its innocent charm, lose touch with your sense of reality.

In particular, ignore any previous knowledge of Darwin’s survival of the fittest, or the idea of supporting another human being’s mode of living. When told that humans survived off of animals for thousands of years, reject this statement as a fallacy. Let the seal’s life take priority over the survival your own species.

1. Although you may believe that you are capable of protecting the seals by yourself, this is an impossible task.

For if you try to stop the barbaric, anarchic men of Newfoundland – who are commonly referred to by such primitive names as “Bill,”“Randy,” and “Earle” – you will surely be slaughtered, and torn apart by the blows from the hakapiks, their deadly weapon, with your skins being sold to their comrades in Norway and Namibia.

1. To prevent the dire yet inevitable consequences of the aforementioned, there is only one viable course of action: Join in greater numbers with your brethren.

As a large, international body comprised primarily of hippies, liberals, mountaineers, animal extremists, vegans, and non-categorized weirdos, you have the power to stop them by using considerable force.

1. Considerable force is known by the term “Pie-had,” and can be defined by our organization as the use of pie, pie crust, and/or foam inside of a tinfoil dish as a weapon to accomplish extremist seal objectives.

This can only be used in the most extreme circumstances, and has to be passed by a two thirds majority of voting members. (Note: All pie-hadists will go to animal heaven, sitting in the kingdom of the seal sphinx, if they perform this honourable act.)

1. Ignore all naysayers and sceptics. Those who oppose the selfless efforts of the devoted men and women of our organization are to be treated as ruthless and wicked individuals.

When presented with an astute, persuading argument that makes such claims as, “It has been proven that it is humane to kill baby seals” and “Their deaths are painless and instant,” ignore their main argument and change the subject. This tactic has worked especially well for our organization.

1. While asked by some critics as to why our organization spends more time protesting the hunt of only a few hundred thousand beautiful seals each year compared to the inhumane slaughter of billions of ugly chickens, take your time to respond with an articulate, thoughtful answer.

If nothing comes to mind, respond with our default motto, “Animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment,” in a monotonic and regurgitated tone. It will be sufficient.

1. When appearing for a major seal protest, appear as nerdy, juvenile, and socially retarded as possible. Somehow, this will increase the legitimacy of our cause. Wear earthly colours, knitted clothing, black-framed glasses, and second-hand clothes; neglect to shower, comb hair, or shave. On special occasions, wear a seal costume. Pride yourself on looking like inferior beings to the seals.

2. When someone else attempts to pull a “Pie-had” on you, remain calm. This is not in the name of seals – it is just retaliation. Take the pie with pride and, if hungry, lick it. This will give your further energy to complete your mission.

3. And finally, if ever you doubt your abilities to save the baby seals, think about how cute, cuddly, and innocent they are.

Think about their white fur, their sweet little eyes that beam up at you and say, “Take me home!” Keep that image close to your heart, and let it be the reason you get up every morning to fight for what you believe in.