Crypto-sexology

Sex 2.0

Of all the animals in the sexual menagerie, some are of a slightly more dubious nature than others – like the Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Monster. An emphatic minority insists these mythical beasts exist, while the majority regards them with arch skepticism. To put things a little more prosaically, there are a lot of bullshit sex practices and abilities out there. For the most part, these are things like the “donkey punch,” which Urban Dictionary defines as “the male punching the sexual partner in the back of the head during anal or vaginal sex prior to orgasm, to provoke a shock causing the vaginal or anal muscles to contract around the male’s penis.” Anyone stupid enough to do this is probably incarcerated and getting donkey-punched themselves. Sex acts like the donkey punch, the Cleveland steamer, and the strawberry shortcake (look them up yourself – but be warned) exist primarily in the lore of adolescent boys trying to out-gross each other. There are a few, though, that are somewhat more plausible. Here’s a look at a couple.

Auto-fellatio

Auto-fellatio, or, as I more casually define it, the act of sucking oneself off, has a generous share of myth surrounding it. Probably the most high profile tale in the auto-fellatio mythos circulated during the rise of hype-whore Marilyn Manson in the second half of the ‘90s. Rumor had it that Manson had several ribs surgically removed to enable him to suck his own dick. My suspicion is that this myth emerged from the waves of homophobia churned up by detractors of the androgynous rock star. A little logic, a little rational thought is enough to dispel the rumor: Who the fuck would do that to themselves? The fact is, auto-fellatio is possible without removing any bones. Just check on xtube, YouPorn, or any other of the surfeit of amateur porn aggregators online. It doesn’t, however, appear to be particularly enjoyable. Actually, judging from the sharply contorted positions required to pull off this feat of erotic flexibility, it looks downright uncomfortable. My understanding is that auto-fellatio virtually closes off the airway, so practitioners of the art must abort the procedure every 30 seconds or so to gasp for air. There’s also almost no range of motion, so not the most stimulating masturbatory act. Also, it can kill you. Cases of people accidentally breaking their neck trying to gargle their own balls aren’t unheard of, and man, what an undignified way to go. So, while it’s possible, auto-fellatio is definitely one of those things that are much better in theory than in practice.

Female ejaculation

A widely held myth among heterosexual males is that causing their partner to squirt is a sure sign of a job well done. So, it can result in feelings of inadequacy for the male if the woman’s orgasm is a dry one. Female ejaculation has been studied and puzzled over since antiquity, and there still isn’t a clear definition of what it actually is, and what function it serves during sex. In fact, there’s still some debate as to whether it exists at all. According to studies, however, some 35 to 50 per cent of women report experiencing a gush of fluid during the orgasm phase of sex. There’s more than a column’s worth of discussion to be had regarding female ejaculation, but as far as myth and legend goes, a wet orgasm isn’t the only hallmark of a good-quality lay, regardless of what porn or how-to manuals might suggest.

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