Love is a battlefield

War has rules. Civilized warfare (now there’s an oxymoron for you) is governed by the tenets of the Geneva Convention, and it’s when this document is ignored that things get messy.

Being in a relationship is a lot like diplomacy between two countries. Each party has a border, territory, laws, values, and egos. With so many aspects of mutual existence intertwined, in both instances it’s easy for conflict to break out, and flames to erupt across the border.

Warfare has a set of rules, and so should conflict in a relationship.

Basing this perhaps on a generous amount of personal experience, when two people who love each other but have gigantic egos, and a streak for stubbornness, fights are going to happen. It’s an inarguable fact of life.

A tendency to disagree or squabble is an inborn human trait, so if you and your loved one never fight, it means there’s an unequal balance of power between you. As we no longer live in a patriarchal society in which the doting housewife spends her days keeping hearth and home for her husband, unequal power is a bad thing.

Fighting isn’t the end of the world – if it’s done right, that is.

Petty arguments about unfolded laundry or improper toilet seat configuration can escalate into an all-out shouting match cum cry-fest that calls the entire fate of the relationship into question. And that is not a happy domestic scene.

There’s a civilized way of going about dispute resolution in a relationship, and it helps if you follow a few guidelines.

Any couple’s therapist will almost always advise keeping fights out of the bedroom. This is sort of a no-brainer. The bedroom is where you and your partner presumably knock the most boots, and therefore is the sanctuary that contains the sexual life force of your relationship.

It doesn’t take a psych degree to make the next mental leap: polluting the sanctuary with fighting, object throwing, and other trappings of acrimony can have a detrimental effect on your sex life.

And since sex is the key element in a relationship, if you screw that up by fighting, you’re fucked.

The arena for a fight should be a neutral place, (i.e. neither one of your offices) and one that you don’t find particularly sexy. (Laundry rooms aren’t very sexy. Just saying.)

Of course, there are other fairly straightforward rules as well: Deep breaths, putting yourself in your partner’s shoes, timeouts, and so on. Following these will generally help diffuse a petty argument that might otherwise escalate into Operation Tampon Storm.

Also, it’s a really bad idea, to take cheap shots; like bringing up some wrong your partner did you in the past – if you’ve dealt with the wrongdoing as a couple and moved past it. If this continually happens when you fight, it’s a sign that as a couple, you don’t have the maturity to get over drama. And, my friend, a relationship involves a lot of drama.

One of the bright sides to fighting with your partner is the rush of positive emotions brought on by resolving it, which inevitably leads to make-up sex (which, from a sexological point of view, shows how fascinatingly linked sex is to emotion).

If the only time you can have quality sex is after a fight, and you deliberately start one just to get the good stuff, your relationship is beyond redemption. Get out while you can.

The main thing is, fights are going to happen. Period. If handled properly, the battle can be resolved without firing a single shot, ultimately leading to stronger relations (and an improved trading partnership, if you want to stretch the war analogy to the breaking point).

If it’s handled poorly – and judging by the North American divorce rate, a lot of them are – you could end up, like the United States so many times in the last 50 years, embroiled in a futile and bloody war that benefits neither side.

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