MUN men's b-ball, v-ball teams relegated to Junior High League
Varsity basketball, volleyball teams will spend 2012-2013 playing against 13-year-olds
By Paul Hussey
After another losing season for the MUN men's basketball and volleyball teams, the Atlantic University Sport has decided to relegate both teams to the St. John's Junior High League for the 2012-2012, where they'll finally have the chance to play against teams more near their skill level.
[Read the full story]Newfoundland Model Search winners awarded contracts from Buy and Sell, NL Herald
Lynn Skanes, Ashlee Druken-Mercer ‘over the moon’ to hear they won Facebook contest
By Paul Hussey
Memorial University drop-outs Lynn Skanes and Ashley Druken-Mercer were overjoyed to hear they were recently selected as winners of the popular Newfoundland Model Search, which has taken Facebook by storm over the past six months.
[Read the full story]Air Canada reports first on-time flight in nearly a decade
Passengers will receive an unheard of two complimentary cookies during upcoming flights
By Paul Hussey
First there was Miracle on Ice, now there’s Miracle on Air. For the first time in nearly a decade, an Air Canada flight scheduled to leave at the departure time written on passengers’ boarding passes actually left on time and without any delay.
[Read the full story]Ryan Cleary admits to fish addiction; entering rehab program
Newfoundland MP could need months to recover from lifelong affliction
By Paul Hussey
After years of suffering in silence, Ryan Cleary is finally getting help for his unhealthy and disturbing obsession with the fishery.
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Twilight author in running for Pulitzer
Meyer comments on her strong nomination
By Marie King
Stephenie Meyer, author of the popular teen-romantic-vampire-fiction series, the Twilight Saga, has been simply ecstatic since rumours of her assured victory in the 2012 Pulitzer Prizes began circulating.
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Oil company’s $1-million donation to children’s art programs wasn’t for positive PR: CEO
CEO of Musky Oil confirms it wasn’t made to improve public image, but that his company actually believes in the value of arts and crafts
By Paul Hussey
Musky Oil’s CEO John R. Schmuck says that his company’s $1-million donation to The Rooms’ children’s art programs last week was made because they genuinely believe in the value of arts and crafts, and has confirmed that it had nothing to do with making his environmentally destructive oil company trying to look good to the public.
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Girl leaves boyfriend over Movember moustache
She says his beer-soaked handlebar moustache stole him away from her
By Paul Hussey
A Memorial University couple announced their split on Facebook this past week, because the girl in the relationship could no longer deal with her boyfriend’s “god-awful” handlebar moustache that he grew out for Movember, and became jealous with how much time he was spending with it behind her back.
[Read the full story]PCs spend $15 of $696-million unexpected surplus on abacus for Tom Marshall
Not every penny will be spent on province’s debt, as finance minister gets new toy
By Paul Hussey
Premier Kathy Dunderdale says that only $695,999,985 of the province’s unexpected surplus will be spent on paying down the province’s debt, as the Progressive Conservatives are investing $15 on an abacus for Finance Minister Tom Marshall.
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Accused murderers that wear Nike tracksuits to court reduce chances of conviction, says report
Judges, lawyer agree that ballin’ threads help make accused appear pretty innocent
By Paul Hussey
Accused murderers that show up to court proceedings wearing Nike tracksuits are less likely to be convicted, according to a new report released by the Provincial Judicial Advisory Committee.
[Read the full story]Sidney Crosby not actually injured; takes year off to secretly backpack across Europe
NHL superstar says his repressed inner 20-something-year-old needed to find himself
By Paul Hussey
Sidney Crosby says that after accomplishing pretty much everything he ever could in life, he owed it to his aimless and repressed inner 20-something-year-old to fake a major concussion injury and take a year off hockey to secretly backpack across Europe.
[Read the full story]MUN to offer creation science program next year
Because God always needed to find his way into the Biology classroom
By Tim O’Brien
Memorial’s Faculty of Science will be instituting a new four-year Bachelor of Science program in creation science starting in the Fall 2012 semester. Graduate and PhD programs will also be offered in the booming field of intelligent design.
[Read the full story]Toronto mayor blames Mary Walsh snuff on his fear of not being an uptight prick
Claims fear of taking part in something that could actually make people like him
By Paul Hussey
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has admitted that the real reason he snuffed This Hour Has 22 Minutes star Mary Walsh last week was because he was afraid of not being anything but an unapproachable little shit.
[Read the full story]Kurtis Coombs suing the Muse for this article
Before he gets to the second paragraph, legal counsel will be notified
By Paul Hussey
In an attempt to satirize wannabe politician and Memorial University student Kurtis Coombs in this article, the Muse is actually risking the chance of being sued this very second. By the time Coombs finishes reading this sentence, the Muse is expecting a call will be made to his lawyer to discuss how much money he can squeeze out of us....
[Read the full story]Occupy NL protests heading to King William Estates in time for Halloween
Less about targeting the one per cent and more about scoring awesome candy, say protestors
By Paul Hussey
Outside some schmuck’s $750,000 house—While it was originally thought that Occupy Newfoundland’s decision to bring their message to King William Estates this week was about directly targeting this province’s upper-class elite, an organizer has confirmed it’s actually about getting some really awesome Halloween treats.
[Read the full story]Skype accommodates Aylward’s political disability
Liberal Leader will be front and centre in the legislature via screen projector
By Paul Hussey
Inside the Confederation Building, next to a projector screen—In an attempt to make unelected Liberal Leader Kevin Aylward somehow part of the House of Assembly, the Liberal caucus met at the Confederation Building last week to test out beaming him into the legislature via Skype.
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